We check out the weirdest, most awkward and bewildering ‘erotic’ apps for iPhone and iPad, which you can use to recreate that Fifty Shades film.
So, you looking forward to that Fifty Shades jobbie then, eh? Phwoar! Eh! Blimey! Can’t wait to see that at the cinema. It’ll be just like watching an old Channel 5 softcore porno, except in a massive dark room filled with strangers shoving nachos into their face holes. Sexy.
If you’re all hot and bothered at the thought, then here’s some seriously erotic apps you can grab for your iPhone or iPad, to recreate some of the naughty bits at home. But, er, if you’re under 18 or at work then you should probably go look at something else instead. Here’s a lovely article about Ubuntu phones…
Rack Stare is a charming little game which has you perving on unsuspecting virtual ladies, using ‘ground breaking technology’. But y’know, they was wearing slutty gear so they was asking for it, really.
The free version of Rack Stare comes with just a single lady to molest with your eyeballs: Amanda, a 25-year-old housewife (that’s as deep as her bio goes). You can pay to unlock another three victims, however, including scantily-dressed office manager Natalie, and Kate, 21, a student who for some reason is dressed as a bargain basement cowgirl.
Gameplay is as simple as the people it’s aimed it. Just drag your finger towards the lady to gawp at her bazoomas for as long as possible, but beware! Occasionally she’ll glance over and if she catches you in the act, it’s game over, man. And most likely the app will crash you back to the desktop.
Of course we also have to mention the awesomely sexy soundtrack, which rocks a suitably smooth and sensual groove to get your perv on. Nice.
Picture the scene. You’re just getting ready for a bit of slap and tickle, when you realise that you’ve run out of ideas in the foreplay stakes. You’ve already taken off her bra, stared at her breasts and kind of mashed them together a bit, so what comes next? Another mashing?
Thank Jesus, then, for Erotic Dice. This handy app tells you exactly what you need to do, by rolling a pair of virtual dice. One of them is a verb and the other is an erotic body part, so for instance you might get a combination such as ‘suck ears’ or ‘peek chest’.
Of course, things do get a little strange at times. We’re not entirely sure that ‘peek foot’ is particularly erotic, while it’s also entirely possible to get the unfortunate combination ‘suck ass’, which is exactly what this app does.
Intimate Erotic Game
In Fifty Shades, Mr Grey and Ms Steele get stuck into some very private, personal sexy games, so we thought we’d scour the App Store for some kind of erotic challenge app. And unfortunately, what we found was Intimate Erotic Game.
On the face of it, Intimate Erotic Game has promise, asking each person in turn to complete set challenges, each one a little bit naughty, Unfortunately, the instructions are about as well written as Fifty Shades itself. You’ll often be given bewildering tasks to complete, such as ‘Fondle on sides your boyfriend and kiss his’. Kiss his what, exactly? And no, tickling your partner’s armpit isn’t the sexiest thing around.
Also, the same challenges are often repeated over and over – so for instance, you’ll be told to ‘Undress upper part of clothes his’, but if he’s already sat there with his beer gut hanging out, you’ll have to hastily throw his shirt back on just to take it off again.
But worst of all, this app will almost certainly cause couples to break up after just ten minutes of play. For a start, the presence of questions such as ‘Ask your girlfriend is she loves you or she likes you’ is just asking for trouble. And the fact that you can rate your partner’s performance after each task will most likely lead to thrown crockery and slammed doors.
There are few things more sensual than poking your lady friend in the gob, but if you don’t have a lady friend, do not despair. You can jab your finger at a pair of virtual lips thanks to iPleasure, complete with realistic flesh wibbling.
Just tug on her lip and it’ll sort of move about the place, just like a real lip. You can pull right back to expose her teeth, and what a lovely set they are too.
Not only that, but you can even apply different shades of lipstick to those gorgeous pouty mouth flaps. I call the below creation the ‘Gus Poyet’.
Frankly, the only way iPleasure could get any sexier is with some add-on packs: The Cold Sore Collection, or The Herpes and Hair-Lip DLC, perhaps.
KamaSutra 150+ Positions International
Most Kama Sutra apps offer up the same old tired positions over and over, or try and kill off users by suggesting increasingly ridiculous feats of athleticism that would give the average person a coronary you could measure on the Richter Scale.
However, they’ve got nothing on KamaSutra 150+ Positions International, which gives you dozens of different techniques to try out in various worldwide destinations. But not content with keeping things Earth-bound, the app even suggests some ways to get jiggy in outer space. Nothing like a bit of Zero G bufty to get the blood pumping. However, you do have to pay extra for the space section, if that’s your bag.
Do you have a favourite filthy app? Feel free to stick it in below (that’s what she said).