As you approach the lights and they start to turn to red you can either slam on the anchors or mash the throttle and squeeze through. You stomp on the go pedal, but seconds later a set of blue lights start flashing in your mirror.
As you pull over a quick glance in your mirrors reveals the true horror. You’ve just been tugged by the world’s most pathetic police car and a passer-by is uploading the video on YouTube.
Here are eight of the most embarrassing, least intimidating cop cars to be stopped by.
Coppers care about the environment too. Particularly the West Midlands Police, who have no less than 30 all-electric Nissan Leafs, which has no doubt led to the immortal Brummy words: “Oh noo boss, I forgot to charge up the batteries” at the start of a shift. When fully juiced, the LEAF has a reasonable turn of speed, hitting 62mph in a supermini-worrying 11.9 seconds and going on to a V-MAX of 90mph. It’s also silent, so it’s great for stake outs and sneaking up on hoodlums, but the temptation to simply drive away if one tries to pull you over, knowing they have very limited range, might be too great to overcome.
smart fortwo ed
The Metropolitan Police struggle with parking, congestion and paying their tax bill, just like ordinary Londoners So, when the smart salesman showed up at Scotland Yard, the little fortwo must have been the answer to the fleet manager’s prayers. Deployed in the city centre and at Heathrow Airport, you can fit three smarts side-by-side in the same space as a BMW 5 Series Touring. But how absolutely soul destroying would it be to have one of these flag you down for a misdemeanor?
Piaggio MP3 scooter
Helmet? Check. Aviator sunglasses? Check. Leather trousers? Check. Three-wheeled scooter? Let’s ride! Yes, it’s the Met again, this time swapping the inner sanctum of the fortwo for the fresh-air thrills of a Piaggio MP3 scooter. Next they’ll be swapping Greggs breakfasts for a skinny Frappuccino and pain au chocolat. A fleet of 41 scooters is patrolling the mean streets, so next time you hear the sound of a lawnmower approaching, it might not be a 16-year-old Lothario, but the boys in blue.
Beep beep! Hopefully the Hyundai i10 isn’t used for responding to emergencies, or the criminals will be half way across the channel. Perhaps there’s not too much crime in Cambridgeshire, where i10s can be seen looking for tipsy students carrying road signs.
What do you do if you need to buy a new Panda car? Buy a Fiat Panda of course! It’s economical, easy to manoeuvre at the nick and surprisingly spacious for even a lardy felon in the back. If you are in Warwickshire, you could find yourself being handcuffed over the bonnet of this Italian Stallion.
Skoda Fabia Estate
If you’ve ever fantasized about being a cop, you’ve probably dreamt of power-sliding your Mitsubishi Evo X in hot pursuit of a diamond thief, but the reality is more likely being handed the keys to a Battenberg Skoda Fabia Estate. Bring the noise! With a 1.6 litre diesel and 105bhp it’s no rocket, but oil-burners are all about the torque. Actually it hasn’t got much of that either, but it’s amazing how much quicker you can get places when parting traffic like Moses and running red lights. Nee Nahh Nee Nahh.
Police men and women are encouraged to keep fit in free Police gyms and have to be tested regularly, but that could be a thing of the past if the T3 Motion gets the go-ahead. It looks like a three-wheeled Segway and has an incredible top speed of 25mph, while also being able to mount kerbs and turn on a sixpence. If Police Chief Wiggum had one of these, by George he could run down Usain Bolt!
Mitsubishi has ‘first choice’ fleet status, providing the Mitsubishi Evo, Lancer, Outlander, ASX and Shogun to the UK’s police squad. Sadly, Mitsubishi also makes the i-MiEV electric car, and yes, the Thames Valley Police have one. Next time you think about half-inching a bit of merchandise from The Centre MK in Milton Keynes, check over your shoulder for the silent ninja warrior of front line policing.