Even if you’re the biggest Pokémon fan, you’ll probably want to steer clear of this nightmarish monstrosity if you want a good night’s sleep.
Pokémon has squeezed almost every possible commercial opportunity out of the idea of quirky little animals that battle one other. Far beyond even the many video games, anime series, or the card-trading game, there’s a whole universe of toys and apparel which seems to delight legions of fans of all ages. That is, until this bed based on Gengar arrived on the scene.
If you’ve not been keeping up with Pokémon in the intervening decades since you last packed away your GameBoy Color, Gengar is a purple-hued spiky Ghost/Poison type creature that looks a bit like an overweight Gremlin on a bad hair day. One of its most effective moves is Lick, and that’s presumably what the designers had in mind when they created this plush bed.
But it seems that nowhere in the design process did people actually ask themselves of the desirability of lying down on a giant tongue and placing your head in the jaws of a toothy beast before you catch forty winks.
The item is described as a “sleeping companion”, which sounds like the 1950s term for “friends with benefits” – but coitus will be the last thing on your mind (so business as usual for adult Pokémon fans) as you unroll its five-and-a-half foot long tongue to reveal a monster resembling something from a discarded sketchbook belonging to David Lynch. The good news is that if you suffer from terrifying sleep paralysis demons, at least they’ll seem positively calming and reassuring in comparison to the hellscape you laid yourself to rest in.
At a guess, we reckon that the designer’s identity is none other than Homer Simpson, gleefully making a follow-up to his infamous clown bedstead:
The plush is not yet available in the UK, but if you really want to buy one you’ll have to get it from the Japanese store Premium Bandai, where it retails for 25,950円 (£180/$250).
We don’t yet know if they’ll accept refunds for the chronic insomnia that it will undoubtedly cause, so if you’re looking this desperately to give yourself nightmares, a similar effect can be caused by eating a large block of very strong cheese and watching The Exorcist just before bedtime. Sweet dreams.