We round-up the very best Apple iPhone 7 rumours and news, so you know all about this phone that doesn’t exist yet but might do in the near future.
Interested in the iPhone 7, even though it’s little more than a concept right now and there are plenty of perfectly good phones that exist in real life that you can already buy and use? Good. Here’s our full iPhone 7 rumour round-up.
1. The iPhone 7 can prevent those awkward family moments
Are you really bad at remembering to wish your family members a happy birthday, or constantly forgetting to call your nan to check how her hip operation went? Good news. The iPhone 7 can read your calendar and messages and then automatically phone your loved ones when needed. By impersonating your voice, the iPhone can pass on those feelings that you couldn’t be bothered to personally express (or even feel).
2. The iPhone 7 has limitless battery life
A major criticism levelled at the iPhone 6s and earlier models is the not-so-hot battery life. Thankfully the iPhone 7 allegedly comes fitted with a wind-up key built into the side – just give it a few twists and the iPhone can survive for a further 30 minutes. Apple is also rumoured to be releasing a separate ‘friction charge’ accessory, which connects to the base of the iPhone 7. Just slip the phone into your pocket and it’ll be charged up by your crotch vibrations.
3. The iPhone 7 can make you look even cooler
We all know that iPhone owners are super cool, but now even those Android loving scum suckers will think so too. According to the latest web rumours, the iPhone 7 will pump out special pheremones whenever it detects a set level of background chatter. This mystic air juice invades the nasal cavities of surrounding people and instantly makes them respect you 27% more.
4. The iPhone 7’s camera will cheekily insert the Chuckle Brothers into your photos on April Fool’s Day
5. The iPhone 7 will improve your sex life
The iPhone 7 will use proprietary technology to send electronic pulses over the ISM radio band that will stimulate the flow of blood to your erogenous zones, which it will map on a trial and error basis by recording the volume and frequency of orgasms. You will be able to collate and share this data via HealthKit-compatible hardware.
6. Apple Maps on the iPhone 7 will come with the location(s) of the Amber Room baked in
A built in Easter Egg for early adopters is all the co-ordinates for the legendary Amber Room, the palatial chamber famously looted by the Heeresgruppe Nord in the Second World War. Wannabe treasure-hunters will spend a fun summer traipsing across eastern Europe as they track down what Apple CEO Tim Cook has reportedly described as ‘the world’s largest geocache’.
7. The iPhone 7’s screen resolution will surpass 8K
That’s right, Apple’s latest iPhone 7 will boast an 4.7-inch 8K screen with an eye-ripping PPI count of 1976, in honour of the year Apple Inc. was founded.
8. You won’t be able to afford the iPhone 7
According to our well-placed sources, a single iPhone 7 will be so expensive that only the five richest kings of Europe will be able to afford one.
Got any iPhone 7 rumours of your own? Let us know in the comments below.
Editor’s note: This whole thing is made-up bullsh*t, but then to be fair so are half of the supposedly legitimate rumours you’ll read online.