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Five reasons we hate wearables and smartwatches

Hate is a strong word, the kind that we reserve for only the most horrid of life’s slime. Stuff like that icky skin that you get on cups of tea when you’ve left them too long, and Loose Women. But we actually think that we’re starting to hate smartwatches and wearables in general. Here’s why.

Drowning in a sea of mediocrity

Wearables have been pretty popular in 2014 and it’s only going to get worse in 2015, with seemingly every company and celebrity on the planet putting out their own model of smartwatch. Let’s face it, if talent vacuum Will.I.Am can chuck out his own pointless wrist rocket, then we wouldn’t be surprised to see random wearables from Peter Andre, Kerry Katona and Dick and Dom in 2015.

Which means that even if one or two decent smartwatches emerge from lesser-known brands, they’ll immediately sink into obscurity because Kim Kardashian has a bigger marketing budget for her new ringpiece monitor, which alerts you with a sharp buzz every time someone somewhere on the internet clicks on a photo of your rear.

Shorter lifespans than the average mayfly

Charging up our phone every night is an irritation that we just about put up with, because the bloody things are essentially our entire lives in a compact, plastic bundle. But with smartwatches, we now have two gizmos competing for that one remaining socket space in our bedrooms.

Dead by dawn, every time. Where’s that fiddly charging dock gone to?…

Which inevitably means that our smartwatches and other wearables end up out of juice more often than not, as they seem to last a day at best. But you know, who wouldn’t want to sport a lump of useless plastic on their wrist all day? And who actually needs to tell the bloody time at any given point? We’d rather use ancient Mayan methods, which involve gazing up at the sky contemplatively for about a minute and a half, before making it the **** up.

Irritating charging docks

And on the subject of sucky battery life, there’s nothing we love more than getting all the way into the office before discovering that our watch is about to die on its arse, and then remembering that our nifty charging dock is back at home.

Whoever created docks should stand trial for crimes against humanity. Stand trial in the dock…it’s a beautiful, perfect circle of crap.

Big and bulky

If smartwatches actually looked like normal watches, it’d be grand. But instead, we’re forced to strap huge chunks of plastic to our arms that make those old Spiderman watches look like subtle, Tissot-style accessories.

Those old chunky toy watches from the ’90s actually look quite sexy compared with some recent efforts

The biggest disappointment for us in 2014 was the Moto 360. It looked so beautifully classy in the leaked photos, like a proper wearable should be. Yet when we got it on our wrists, we realised just how enormous it really was.

They hate you too

Think it’s a good idea to strap on that smart watch, or prop the Google Glass on your face? Think again. Our smart wearable tech is spying on us, enslaving us, and ensuring that every first date we go on ends in teary self-abuse.

Don’t believe us? Check out our full feature on how your wearable is your worst enemy.

Want to leap to the defence of smartwatches, or do you detest wearables too? Let us know in the comments below…

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