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The grotty world of sex wearables

From cameras that you stick in yourself to wearables that rate (and share) your thrust power, is there actually a place for tech in the bedroom?

Imagine any kind of tech, and chances are it’s been used as someone’s filthy sex toy. Cars? Yeah, people have had sex with them. Helicopters? Same. Mobile phones have been removed from many an elongated rectum by bemused surgeons (along with the occasional tablet or two no doubt). And we wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if some masochists have abused the humble Scalectrix, slapping their members down on the track for some high-impact pain/pleasure.

But now us disgusting humans no longer have to desecrate innocent tech with our genitals, as manufacturers are pumping out (sorry) gadgets that are actually designed to be used in a horribly filthy manner. Question is, does tech actually have a place in the bedroom?

Monitor your performance

From an all-too tender age, once those pesky hormones start pumping through our blood, we start to stress about how we appear to the opposite sex. Adrian Mole’s obsessive near-daily penis monitoring is painfully accurate, while ‘are you any good in the sack’ quizzes have been a long-standing bread and butter of lifestyle mags, convincing us all that we’re utterly hopeless between the sheets. Frankly, you might as well chop it off and stick it in a plant pot, for all the use it is.

Well, get ready for a whole new level of angst to hit the internet, thanks to sexy wearables. New gizmos like the SexFit will actually monitor your performance when you get jiggy, offering feedback on your thrust power and warning you to either slow down, or get a bloody move on as Match of the Day’s on in ten minutes.

The SexFit is basically a cock ring filled with sensors that fits snugly on your chappie and then hooks up to your phone via Bluetooth, transmitting real-time information on your session. Which means that if you demand on-the-job feedback, you need to keep one eye on your mobile. Something your other half is probably already doing.

Of course, if you thought you were bad in bed before, just wait to see how excited your partner gets when you spend half an hour strapping yourself in and desperately trying to get your dong to connect wirelessly to your iPhone.

Disturbingly, you can also share your SexFit results online via social media, if you’re so inclined. Personally, we can’t think of anything more likely to put us off our stride than seeing that our dad ‘liked’ our thrust rating, before posting up an encouraging comment like ‘get in there my son’.

All by myself

Truth be told, technology is more likely to be a distractive hindrance in the bedroom than a kinky little spice-up, but sexy wearables aren’t aimed solely at couples. Conversely, the likes of the Pornhub Wankband is a device for sticky-palmed solo artists, designed to convert jerk power into battery charge.

But while the Wankband is basically an amusing little publicity drive, there’s one slice of wearable tech that will completely reform the way we visit Madame Palm and her five lovely daughters. I’m talking about the unparalleled immersion afforded by VR porn.

Imagine being cast in your very own porno. You’re in a bedroom (or war bunker or post office or whatever your grotty little fantasy may be), surrounded by good-looking people who want to do unspeakable things to you. If you’re a guy, a quick glance down reveals a generous foot and a half of man meat, rather than the shrivelled raisin you’re used to seeing. And no longer is your viewing enjoyment hampered by an inept cameraman/director, unexpectedly switching to a particularly unflattering shot of hairy balls just before the big climax. Instead, you ARE the cameraman, staring at whatever fleshy bits you desire.

Expect the Gear VR and rival headsets to sell through the roof once the male population of Earth realises the true potential of virtual reality. You can keep your Space Invaders sims and your 3D trailers. Just take our money and give us first-person grumble, thanks.

Of course, the prospect of VR grot taking over our lives might not be an entirely positive thing. For one, getting caught in the act is going to be ten times more horrific, as you could be blissfully unaware that your entire family has wandered into the room while you bash the bishop good and proper. And teenage boys are even more likely to go blind after spending all day squinting into their headsets.

Long distance liaisons

So, are ‘sexy’ wearables only good for a bit of solo pleasure? Not necessarily. One sector we haven’t touched on yet is the dreaded long-distance relationship, a sex-free zone that often tests the very limits of a couple’s willpower.

Can wearable tech help to alleviate some of the pent-up frustration involved with your genitals being about a thousand miles away from your partner’s? Perhaps.

Take the catchily-titled Svakom Gaga Intimate Sex Selfie Stick HD Camera Vibrator, for instance. This may look like your standard vibrating sex toy, but as you may have guessed from the title, the Gaga has a built-in camera so you can get a good squint at your lady friend’s internal workings as she pleasure herself, and see exactly what you’re missing out on. Sexy.

But if you’d rather get some two-way interactivity on the go, Lovense has come up with some ‘teledildonics’ toys which can be used to stimulate your partner over a distance. Men have a special ‘masturbator’ toy which slips over the old fella and connects to your smartphone, while women get a vibrator which again hooks up to your mobile. When paired, each toy sends feedback to the other – so for instance, the faster the man pumps his toy, the faster the vibrator shakes.

Could these wearables help to spice up a long-distance relationship? Certainly, especially for couples who find phone sex a little bit cringeworthy. While you have the option to video chat while you get busy with the toys, you could also forego the cheesy porno dialogue and comedic cum faces entirely – although you’re then flying blind, so to speak, without any feedback. Not great if you’re pumping so hard that you set your partner’s genitals on fire.

So, does tech actually belong in the bedroom?

Certainly there is a place for tech in our sex lives, albeit a very niche one – we can’t imagine a world where everyone straps themselves into virtual reality to get busy, Demolition Man style. At best it’s a diversion, a not-so-cheap thrill to be had once or twice before being consigned to a shoebox in the closet.

So, what have we actually learned? Well, if you’re going to jack off to VR porn, make sure you get a lock on your door. Your mum will thank you.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, here’s our pick of the best phones for watching porn…

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