A painful look at some of the worst, most godawful, hilariously terrible apps that ever sneaked onto the App Store, as of July 2014…
I highly enjoyed NY Times’ tongue-in-cheek announcement of brand new app ON?, which “answers a question that’s plagued humanity for years: Is my phone on or off?”. Thing is, while ON? is basically a satirical stab at the likes of Yo, there are already plenty of completely pointless apps out there, apps which are so bad you have to wonder how and why they were ever created.
The following apps represent the absolute worst of the worst. Apps that are so stupid, so pointless, so absolutely useless, that your time would be better spent gluing tiny Batman masks onto squirrels. Or crafting enormous effigies of Karl Marx using only blue M&Ms and your penis.
We’ve all done that thing when we were teenagers, right, where we make a circle with our finger and thumb and then waggle our other thumb through it, right, and then snog it like it was a mouth, yeah? Just, y’know, to practice and all that. Right?
Well, now that we’re in the digital age, there’s an app for that. iFrenchKiss basically asks you to snog your iPhone, and then rates you based on…tongue wiggling and general eagerness? We have no idea to be honest, but we got some pretty dire scores each time we tried it.
On the downside, I might have just contracted dysentery from licking my iPhone too much.
Will You Marry Me ?
I’ve heard of some pretty unromantic proposals: people getting on one knee in the ad break of X-Files to pop the question with a soggy Funyon, for instance. But Will You Marry Me? beats even that for sheer tackiness.
Flip open the virtual box and your intended is presented with a badly-drawn ring, and the question ‘will you marry me’, complete with ‘yes’ and ‘no’ buttons. That is, if a pop-up ad doesn’t ruin the moment (and it will). And of course, if you try and tap the ‘no’ button, it hilariously jumps around the screen, making it impossible to select. At this point, presumably, the lucky gal will probably slam the iPhone into your crotch. And deservedly so.
If they actually tap ‘yes’ for whatever godforsaken reason, you’re treated to a cheesy fanfare. Congratulations. You’re a massive cheapskate and your other half is deranged and Recombu wishes you a happy life together.
Will You Marry Me??
No, this isn’t a mistake repeat. There’s another ‘Will You Marry Me’ app with slightly different question markage, and all of the suck of the last version. This time, you have to shake your iPhone and it’ll tell you if it’ll marry you or not.
I’m not sure that marrying a smartphone is legal, even in Alabama, but it’s all academic anyway as my iPhone apparently hates my guts. Must be because I’m such a crappy kisser.
You’ll never bloody guess what this app does.
Yeah, 99 Bottles basically plays out the entire 99 Bottles song from start to finish in a Stephen Hawking-esque automated voice, eliminating each virtual bottle at a time until the screen is empty. What happens then? Well, f*** knows. I got to 87 and lost patience, even with the mute on.
You Are Rich
No, you aren’t. You’re just an idiot for downloading this useless app, which chucks a badly animated jewel on your iPhone’s screen, and…well, that’s it. Oh, it also plays a tinny ‘dah dahh’ sound when it loads.
If there was an award for something that should never have existed, I’d rip it away from Mrs Brown’s Boys and hand it straight to You Are Rich.
On the plus side, the app is free, so you really don’t have to be rich to enjoy it. Oh, the irony.
Electric Razor: FREE
It’s a virtual razor. You hit the ‘on’ button and it makes a noise a bit like a razor. If you try trimming your beard with it, you’re a moron.
(Says the guy who just made out with his iPhone).
The razor is off (left) and the razor is on (right)
Honourable R.I.P mention
Some apps are apparently so crap that a kindly IT bod has taken them ‘round the back of the virtual barn and blasted them into oblivion. One such example is the infamous ‘Send Me To Heaven’, a game which challenges you to chuck your smartphone as high as possible. It may have been free, but could end up costing you half a grand a time if you weren’t as good at catching.
Got a favourite crap app? Let us know in the comments below.