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How to Tweet responsibly at the cinema

So you’re at the cinema, watching the latest Michael Bay masterpiece, when you suddenly think of an incredibly witty comment (possibly involving Megan Fox’s bottom) in 140 characters or less. Here’s how to send a Tweet at the cinema without disturbing everyone around you and ruining their movie-going experience.

Step one: stand up

Easy one, this, providing you’re fully able-bodied. Just kind of tense your muscles, then lean your upper body forwards and thrust away from your seat. You can use your hands to push up on the armrests too, for added leverage. When you’re on your feet, use your sense of balance to avoid falling back again.

Step two: leave the cinema

Walk out of the building and then head down the street. Resist the temptation to pull out your phone and send that hilarious Tweet as you’re walking – that’s our number one phone faux pas and worthy of extreme punishment.

Step three: stop somewhere and think

Find somewhere safe to stop; a park bench, for instance, or the frozen poultry section of your local Co-op. Now try to remember why you went to the cinema in the first place. Was it to watch a film? If so, next time try leaving your phone at home, so you can’t accidentally send a Tweet.

Did you go to the cinema in the hope of actually having something interesting to Tweet? If so, try one of the following alternative activities, where you can safely send pointless, opinionated Tweets without angering your fellow humans.

Watch a popular reality TV show at home. Tweet about how podgy that girl what used to be in Atomic Kitten looks now.

Go to a football match. Tweet about how the referee is astonishingly inadequate.

Read a book. Tweet about how it’s not as good as TV.

Read next: The very worst smartphone sins

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