How many of these phone crimes have you committed lately? Make sure you keep your mobile manners intact and make the world a more bearable place to exist in by staying clear of these smartphone misdemeanors.
Oh, and you WON’T BELIEVE number three (or something)…
6. This film is sick, bruv.
We get it. You’re a popular guy/gal. You’re also incredibly witty. Hence, you absolutely have to entertain your Twitter followers and Facebook fans with running commentary when you hit the cinema. Never mind that every screening now looks like a Children of the Corn convention, with rows of slack-jawed, dead-eyed teenaged faces lit by the sinister glow from their smartphones as they ignore the movie entirely.
Check out our guide on How to Tweet responsibly at the cinema to avoid irritating every other person around you.
5. I’m on the train…no, ON THE TRAIN.
I can’t remember the last time I fought my way onto a late commuter train after a long day of work and wasn’t immediately greeted by the following, from a fellow commuter crammed in against my shoulder.
“Hey, I’m on the train. No, I said I’m on the train. Yeah, be back about half seven. Yeah, what we having for dinner? What? What? No, we had beans last night, didn’t we? Eh? No, I said we had beans last night, didn’t we? How ‘bout fish pie? Fish pie? No, we’ve got one in the freezer, I think. Check the freezer. Bottom drawer. Under the peas. You see it? Maybe try the top drawer? Just take everything out, I’m sure it’s in there…”
At which point I turn and scream at them, “Oh dear Christ, please don’t leave me in suspense! Is there a fish pie or isn’t there? I MUST KNOW!”
In my head, at least.
4. Snap happy
You know what instantly makes any drunken night out a million times better? That one guy who takes a thousand grainy photos of you sucking down Blow Job shots and dribbling beer down your chin and then immediately posts them to Facebook the next day, even before your eyes slowly peel open and you gasp your first boozy sigh of hangover agony.
Just when you think life couldn’t get any worse, you wearily raise your phone to your face and see that most beloved of notifications: “Dan The Man has tagged you in 48 photos”. At which point, not only is your ‘worked late then had a couple of pints’ excuse f*cked, but so is your chance of ever getting a respectable job/girlfriend/boyfriend.
3. Wrong way up
Recording video on your phone while holding it vertically doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t even mean you should do hard time in some horrific dark ages prison, where burly men make best friends with your most beloved low-lying orifices.
However, it does mean that you should have your mobile taken away and then crushed underfoot. And then someone should scoop up the jagged remains and gleefully rub them into your face.
2. Headphones schmeadphones
Hey, so you’re watching an episode of Mrs Brown’s Boys on the bus, yeah? Well, don’t be greedy and hog all of those hilarious one liners to yourself. Why not forget the earphones and pump your phone up to full volume, so all of us can enjoy? Or maybe you’d rather blast Will.I.Am’s latest ‘album’ from your phone’s wonderful built-in-speaker? Mmm, sounds so good.
See also: that annoying twat whose Samsung phone won’t stop goddamn bastard whistling out loud every five f*cking seconds.
1. Eyes down
Worried that a zombie apocalypse could turn us all into brainless, shuffling idiot puppets? Don’t be, because it’s already happened, thanks to the humble smartphone.
I challenge you to walk down pretty much any street in central London in a straight line, for a distance greater than thirty metres. You can’t do it. Because every five seconds, you have to leap out of the way of some slack-jawed cretin whose entire attention is hooked on their Twitter feed instead of where the f*ck they’re going.
Being a pedestrian in our glorious capital is like that bit in Knightmare, where you have to dodge left and right to avoid the oncoming saw blades. Except instead of deadly machinery, you’re ducking out of the path of witless air-wasters.
In fact, it’s such a massive worldwide problem that even China is hacked off, constructing its own ‘mobile phone lanes’ for morons to walk in if they can’t tear their gaze from the latest web twatterings.
Our only hope is that every last one of these screen gazers ends up strolling in front of an bus, in a Darwinesque slab of survival-of-the-fittest justice.
Any phone misdemeanors that you personally hate? Let us know in the comments below and we may well add them to the code of conduct.