Two rather cringe-worthy new iPhone apps, Pooductive and CrapChat, prove two things for certain. First, there really is an app for absolutely everything on Apple’s App Store. Second, we’ve failed as a race and should all just get in the sea right now, handing the keys to the insects on our way out.
Ever taken a particularly gruelling shit and wished that you could chat with other throne dwellers, to discuss the ins and outs (but obviously mostly outs) of going number two? No? Well, clearly someone has, because there are now two apps for your iPhone that allow you to share your strain session with a fellow bowel emptier.
First came CrapChat, by Jerome Sklar. Jerome’s effort hit the App Store just last month, billing itself as ‘The ONLY app that tailors your chatting experience to the toilet.’ Perhaps there’s a reason for that, but at least the guy’s original.
If we’re being honest, we’ve pretty much all pinched one off while chatting with friends on Messenger, WhatsApp and so on. But most of us have probably never felt the need to advertise our bowel movements, or felt disappointed that our mates weren’t also curling one out at the same time.
CrapChat does sport some bonus features, however. For instance, the app can also ‘keep track of the time you spend on the toilet, so that YOU don’t have to’. Well, that’s a relief, because my turd diary was just getting too difficult to maintain.
You’d think that CrapChat would satisfy that non-existent need quite nicely, but this month a rival was flushed onto the App Store in the form of Pooductive.
Pooductive from developer Ricardo Gruber does pretty much the exact same thing as CrapChat, allowing you to natter with people while you simultaneously poop. Or at least, that’s the idea.
I took Pooductive for a test drive earlier today, attempting to chat with fellow morning dumpers. Sadly, despite searching on a global scale for other users for close to an hour, I was only paired with one other crapper – some guy called Adrian. Who then denied my request to chat. Perhaps he was hoping for a female chat partner to schmooze, or maybe he just chickened out. Either way, I was left feeling rather hollow by the experience – and not because my bowels were freshly evacuated.
CrapChat and Pooductive are available to download now from the App Store, for free. For more shitty apps, check out our weekly Crapps feature – last week we took a pained look at Justin Bieber apps.